The Credibility Code Read online

  • Because Pascal was uncomfortable presenting in front of his colleagues, he thrust his hands deep within his pockets. But he couldn’t keep his hands still and, unbeknownst to Pascal, his hands continued to gesture throughout his presentation. Everyone found his talk very entertaining, but not in the way Pascal had intended.

  The four stages of competency

  In order to transform a bad habit into a good one, you’ll need to travel through the “Four Stages of Competency.” This learning theory states that when learning or acquiring any new skill, we start out “unconsciously incompetent.” Essentially, we don’t know that we don’t know. At this stage, not only does the individual not know how to do the behavior but he or she is blind to the deficit. In the learning process, we become “consciously incompetent.” We now know that we don’t know it. Frankly, this is a very difficult place to be: No one enjoys being consciously incompetent. However, depending on how painful this realization is determines how quickly we move into stage three: “consciously competent.” When we focus on the behavior, we can do it. We are proficient, but it takes effort. As we continue to practice this new behavior, we ultimately become “unconsciously competent.” We no longer have to focus on the behavior to do it well. It has now become a new subroutine.

  As you move through the chapters of this book, you may find yourself moving through these four stages of learning.

  Taking control

  The first step to taking control of your image is to identify the exact behaviors that are influencing your appearance of credibility. In chapters 1 through 4, we’ll look at the explicit codes of conduct for posture, gestures, vocal skills, and eye contact. Adopt these essential behaviors, and you’ll be well on your way to projecting credibility.

  In chapter 5, we’ll take a look at what not to do. “Derailers” are the distracting behaviors that are almost always invisible to us but undercut our credibility with others. Our blind spots often have the biggest impact on our image.

  While looking credible is a wonderful baseline, truly effective communication is an interaction between people. It’s not enough for you to look good; you need to make a connection with your listener. To truly raise the bar on your communication skills, shift your focus from yourself to them. In chapter 6, we’ll address the skills of connection: projection, eliciting a response, and attentive listening.

  Communication styles run a spectrum from being authoritative to being approachable. Exceptional communicators know how to project both qualities at the same time, and in chapter 7, we discuss the perfect balance. If you need to bolster your image on either end of the spectrum, I identify specific behaviors that send the right messages.

  Finally, in chapter 8, we tackle how to keep your progress moving forward including the importance of videotaped feedback, steps for self-evaluation, and how to put an action plan in place.

  At the end of each chapter, you’ll find links to short videos demonstrating the skills just covered. Depending on your learning style, you can watch the videos before or after you read each chapter. Each step of the way includes case studies, practice exercises, and “field trips” to help you develop your skills right away. Practice exercises are drills to do in the privacy of your home or office. Field trips are an invitation to get up from your chair or desk, head out into the world, and test what you’ve learned.

  Start by learning which behaviors build credibility and which don’t. Examine your personal style and meticulously weed out the behaviors that don’t serve you. Finally, practice until your new behaviors become so habitual that they’ll stick with you even under pressure.

  A note about your script

  While most of this book discusses the power of your behaviors, I don’t want to give the impression that your words aren’t important. Your content, the actual script of what you say, is vital. It’s the very reason you are having the conversation to begin with.

  Before listeners can hear what you have to say, however, they need to create a filter through which they listen to you. They decide where to put what you have to say. Does it go in the box that says, “Yes! Act on this right away,” or the box that says, “Hmm. I’ll have to think that over . . .”? Your image determines where they log the information you give them.

  When time is short and personal resources are low, most people spend their energy working on their script and ignore their skills. I encourage you to reverse that trend. Once your skills are strongly embedded in your subroutines, they’ll be there when you need them. The script, however, will change with every conversation.

  You might argue that the more you know your script, the more you can concentrate on your skills—stance, gestures, voice, and eye contact—and that’s true, to a point. Imagine it the other way around: Develop your skills. Work on them until they are habits. Then the only thing you have to concentrate on is what you have to say. Wouldn’t that put you more at ease?

  Play along with me for a moment: Let’s say you have to deliver a message you are extremely familiar with—material you know forward and backward. Now pretend I ask you to deliver this information while ice-skating. If you don’t know how to ice skate already, do you think you’ll be able to move forward on the ice and say your message out loud at the same time? Unlikely. When struggling with a new physical task, verbal processing is the first thing to go out the window. But if you know how to ice-skate, can you deliver your message and skate at the same time? Of course. Ice-skating is a “subroutine.” It will be as easy as walking and talking at the same time.

  I’m sure you’ve experienced going blank under pressure. You’ve adequately prepared for a high-stakes conversation, but in the midst of it you completely lose your train of thought. Mortified, you promise yourself, “Next time, I’ll know my material even better.” Unfortunately you’re focusing on the wrong subroutine.

  By cementing these physical skills into your muscle memory, you free up your verbal processing. Invest time into creating good habits, and all of your communication becomes easier.

  A postscript on our worldly communications

  With very few exceptions, the signals discussed in this book are human, not cultural, interpretations—how human beings assess other human beings. However, to what degree certain behaviors are valued can vary widely from culture to culture. For example, keeping your head level (as opposed to dipping your chin down or tilting your head) is viewed as confidence in all cultures. But some cultures more highly value showing deference when speaking. In these cultures, holding the head level, while confident, could be taken as a sign of disrespect.

  Being warm and friendly, even subservient, in some cultures, can be a far better way to do business than being authoritative or assertive. To be effective, it’s important to understand the values of the people with whom you interact. To that end, this book will focus on qualities that are valued in a Western business culture. While I may point out areas of extreme cultural differences (such as eye contact or hand gestures), it should be assumed that my perspective is from a Western point of view.

  To watch a short video of the author demonstrating the skills in this chapter, enter this URL into your browser or click on this link:

  www.thecredibilitycode.com/video/ixrv34

  Posture: Taking a Stand

  “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine.”

  – Marianne Williamson

  Cesar Millan is remarkably gifted with dogs. He takes dogs that other trainers have given up on—extremely aggressive dogs, dogs with destructive habits or unusual phobias—and in a short period of time persuades them to behave in more socially acceptable ways. If you’ve ever seen an episode of The Dog Whisperer, you’ve seen how skillfully he uses his body language to establish his status.

  In one episode, Cesar visited a family with an especially vicious dog. The dog was extremely protective of the backyard, making it treacherous for people outside of the family to enter the area. The family was concerned they would have to euthanize the dog, and Cesar was their last hope.

  After gathering the facts from the family in the living room, Cesar headed for the backyard where the dog was waiting. The family adamantly exclaimed, “Have you not been listening! Don’t go out there. He’ll kill you!” Cesar was undeterred. While the family and the cameraman watched through the sliding glass door, Cesar, relaxed but purposeful, stepped into the backyard. The dog did not attack. Cesar moved around the backyard for about 10 minutes. The dog watched, more curious than threatened. Finally Cesar approached the dog, gracefully attached a leash to his collar, and took him out through the gate for a walk.

  In the dog world, Cesar Milan has exceptional leadership presence. Dogs immediately recognize his status as alpha dog. They aren’t responding to magical vibes; they recognize his leadership by the way he carries himself.

  Cesar walks tall with his head level. At the same time, his movements are fluid and unrestricted. He is attentive and deliberate, yet relaxed. This combination of strength and fluidity helps him project authority without appearing threatening. And these same body language signals work equally well in human-to-human communication. Let me relay a true story from one of my clients to help bring this message to the work world.

  The CEO who didn’t get the new job

  The stakes were high in the search for the new chief executive officer of an architectural firm. Headhunters had reviewed and forwarded the résumés of several candidates to oversee the 200-person company. Five highly qualified candidates were selected for interviews.

  After a first round of phone interviews, one candidate stood out. He sounded confident over the phone. Good track record. Excellent experience. The management search committee sensed he was the one and flew him out for an interview.

  The interview went smoothly; the candidate seemed to fit the bill. Yet, after the candidate left, each member of the search committee voted against hiring him. When they discussed the reasons, they all realized it came down to one moment: At one point during the interview, the candidate stood up and walked to the counter to refill his coffee. His slumped posture and weak spine made him look tired and worn out, and, in that moment, each member of the search committee concluded he was not the energized, engaged CEO who they wanted to lead their company.

  You would never think something as superficial as bad posture could cost you a job, yet I heard this story directly from the search committee (as I was training their new CEO).

  POSTURE CODES OF CONDUCT

  • Keep your spine tall and strong.

  • Stand with your weight balanced equally over both feet.

  • Keep your head level.

  • Point your nose directly at the listener.

  • Command the space around you.

  POSTURE CODE #1

  Keep your spine tall and strong

  Strong posture—keeping your spine strong and vertical—brings added credibility to everything you say and do. You’ll look more dynamic, more focused, and more purposeful. Such an image comes in handy in all situations, from standing out at a cocktail party, to getting what you want in the boardroom, to showing someone on the subway that you’re not a person to mess with.

  Follow the metaphor

  The guidelines for appearing credible and confident can be found in the metaphors of everyday language. Would you like to be described as . . . ?

  Stable

  On solid footing

  Standing on your own two feet

  Grounded

  Having a strong spine

  Being a pillar of strength

  Balanced

  Having a firm backbone

  Not easily pushed over

  Straightforward

  Being levelheaded

  Head square on your shoulders

  Upright

  Taking a firm stand

  Standing your ground

  Now compare those words and phrases to being described as a slouch, off-balance, unstable, crooked, lacking a backbone, or shifty.

  POSTURE CODE #2

  Stand with your weight balanced equally over both feet

  There is a big difference separating what feels comfortable and what looks comfortable. When under stress, we often default to behaviors that feel good, even if they don’t represent us well. The most common defense mechanism for managing intimidating situations is to act casual and to make ourselves look smaller.

  When the pressure is on during a job interview or an important proposal, for example, most of us try to mask our discomfort by taking on a more casual stance. Our posture goes from balanced to asymmetrical. We stand leaning into a hip, shoulders on an angle, head tilted. We may even cross one leg in front of the other. If the goal is to look nonthreatening, such actions might work to our advantage. But while this posture definitely looks casual, we give up the opportunity to look self-assured and in control.

  It’s important to ask yourself which characteristic you really want to project: Do you want to look more casual . . . or more comfortable? People who look comfortable stand tall with their weight evenly balanced over both feet. Their posture seems to say, “I’ve got the situation completely under control.”

  When we feel intimidated, most of us will pull in and take up less space; we subtly make ourselves smaller so as to be less of a target. We may do this by placing our feet close together, tucking our arms tightly to our sides, and restricting our movement to a very small bubble around us. But to look comfortable and confident, strengthen your spine, open up, and move freely. In short, command the space around you.

  Practice exercise: Stand up for yourself

  Take a moment to test optimal standing posture. Stand with your weight balanced equally over both feet. Because men and women have a different center of gravity, men should align their feet directly under their shoulder joints, and women should align their feet directly under their hip joints. Lengthen your spine so you are as tall as you can be without feeling stiff. Elongate your neck so that your chin is level.

  While keeping your trunk stable, add hand gestures and head movement. Make sure your elbows aren’t pinned to your sides or held out in space. Try not to let your shoulders reverberate with the movements of your hands. When looking around the room, avoid twisting at the waist. Your head should move like a camera on a tripod, enabling you to pan easily around the room while your base stays still.

  Your spine and shoulders should form a T, straight and strong. Think of this as the scaffolding for the rest of your body. Your head, arms, and feet can move freely, but the T always stays strong. Check out your posture in front of a full-length mirror.

  Take a field trip around the office

  Develop the habit of practicing in everyday moments. You can start by taking a quick walk around your office. Your intention is to have short conversations with several colleagues. While standing at each colleague’s cubicle, balance your weight equally over both feet. Head to the kitchen and stand in optimal posture while you glance at the contents of the vending machine. If you bump into some co-workers in the hallway, chat with them for a moment, all the while being attentive to your posture. Even when they are talking, keep your weight balanced and spine straight.

  You can find hundreds of opportunities to practice optimal posture throughout the day—ordering your coffee at the coffee bar, waiting in line at the grocery store, even commuting in your car. Don’t save your excellent posture for “important” situations. Make it habitual. Once it is, your posture will exhibit confidence and purpose everywhere you go.

  Establish your place at the conference table

  Most of us spend a good deal of our working lives sitting down, so pull up a chair and think about how to look confident around the conference room table or across the desk.

  The same rules apply to establishing credibility in a seated position as when standing: keep your spine strong, hold your shoulders level, and own the space around you. Try to keep your tailbone against the back of the chair so your lumbar is supported and you look as tall as possible. If you allow your tailbone to scoot forward, even an inch, your posture rounds and your status deflates. Don’t slouch!

  Sometimes the chair itself can be a problem since many office chairs have a deep seat built to accommodate the average male thighbone. If you are shorter than average and sit all the way back, your feet might not touch the floor, making you feel like a little kid at the grown-up table. You don’t want to lower your chair because your height at the table also affects your status. So what can you do?

  Your best option may be to sit on the edge of your seat. This is also a good tactic if your office furniture is so casual that you could be swallowed up by a puffy chair or couch. This position may not be as comfortable as leaning back, but you’ll maintain your presence in the room.

  If you’re sitting at a table, set your briefcase or bag on the floor to prop up your feet. This may sound extreme, but I know executives who have special boxes at their feet so they can raise their chairs to be the tallest person in the room without their feet dangling.

  It’s tempting to sit close to the table and prop your elbows on it, but you’ll look more authoritative by giving yourself a little space. Don’t let the proximity of the table trap you into being small. Keep your torso about six to eight inches away from the table. Doing so enables you to own the space in front of you and frees your hands to become involved in the conversation. I’ll go into more detail about this in the next chapter, but note that interactive gestures not only will help you be more engaging but they will help you create a stronger relationship with your listeners.

  POSTURE CODE #3

  Keep your head level

  One of the key behaviors that signals personal power is being level-headed—literally the ability to keep your head level when speaking. The power of this one skill can be transforming.